I don't deserve this award, but I have arthritis and I don't deserve that either. - Jack Benny
A scout troop consists of twelve little kids dressed like schmucks following a big schmuck dressed like a kid. - Jack Benny
My wife Mary and I have been married for forty-seven years and not once have we had an argument serious enough to consider divorce; murder, yes, but divorce, never. - Jack Benny
Give me golf clubs, fresh air and a beautiful partner, and you can keep the clubs and the fresh air. - Jack Benny